One Saturday in May I sat in a room full of people who were in the same situation as me and admitted out loud that I need help. Rather, I pleaded for help while wearing my nicest clothes, having spent a good hour on my hair and makeup (something I haven't done since I got married probably).
I auditioned for The Biggest Loser. Now you won't be seeing me on TV or anything - I didn't get cast.
But the story really isn't about some reality show.
It's about the fact that I'm finally in a place where I can talk about who I am.
I am Natalie.
I am fat.
I am working on it.
I've been "the big girl" my whole life. If anyone reading this has ever: lived with me, been in my family, or married to me (Jonathan wins all 3, lucky him!) then you'll know how I'm kind of an insecure nut bag when it comes to how I look. I mean sure, my Facebook albums can attest to the fact that I went through a terrible selfie phase in high school and early college (you're welcome), but who didn't? And frankly, back then, it was all about the really-close-to-the-face kind of stuff. I was pro of taking millions of photos that were so close and so washed out that you can't really tell that I have a nose.
I had always struggled with my weight or my own perception of my weight. Once in college, I dropped somewhere 25 and 30 pounds in a month* and probably looked better than I had in a long time, but I still felt fat and not good enough. I still wanted to crawl into something deep and dark anytime the idea of swimsuits and/or shorts were brought up.
It wasn't really until Jonathan and I got married that I realized how dangerous the view I had of myself was. Not only to me, but to those around me. Particularly my sweet, sweet husband. Because you guys - I dread being in this body and that feeling is downright palpable at times. A couple of weeks ago, I had ripped a pair of jeans (not a new thing in my life) and Jonathan had suggested we go buy me some new jeans and I burst into tears. I said "I don't want to buy anymore fat clothes."
As RuPaul says at the end of every episode of RuPaul's Drag Race (probably my favorite TV show...don't judge): "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"
Exactly.
How?
Well about a week and a half ago, I decided something had to change in my life. I've started moving more, counting my calories and working on making healthier choices when it comes to what I eat and how I spend my time (TV all weekend is SUPES fun and all, but I should probably use my legs to walk and run or something). It's been going alright so far. I'm down 11.8 pounds and learning what works for me.
I'm going to learn to love myself if it kills me because I owe it to those that I care about most.
So while this blog is by no means going to become some sort of fitness/weight loss/health blog - I'm not quite sure where it is going. Maybe I'll post some new nail polish I've been playing around with or even post about my hair cut...that I got 2 months ago.
We'll see what happens next.
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